Drowning and there's no water to found

I am absolutely overwhelmed which would explain what at 1:04am on Wednesday October 28th 2009 I am up writing in my blog instead of sleeping. I can't take it anymore, I can barely keep my head above water yet there is dry land for all the eye to see. I felt myself headed down this path maybe 2-3wks ago when my other made it verbally known to me his future plans which included 15yrs doing something that we hadn't discussed before. I was with the understanding that this job was temporary so that you can get back to working for yourself. No Shae once again not asking the right questions will get your feelings everytime. At any rate that opened my eyes to the fact that where as I do care for him, and wish him the best in all he does, he's not my "Say I Do" and whereas some people can just cut people off...I used to be one of those people, it's harder now because I do make a conscience effort not to purposefully burn bridges. You never know when you may need that person. So needless to say Im letting this just run its course.

Moving on I decided to try and online dating site...i know i know, but hey it's the new thing now so can't hurt to try. On the first go round I think I met a pretty decent guy met him on Sunday at public place...smart girl. Conversation was okay, but you know never the less that's something to work towards. So prior to us departing from one another we quasi make plans to see each during the week. On Monday I dont get a text a hey what's up nothing, so I text him hey how goes it. I get back a blase response. So immediately my brain is like hmm maybe what I perceived yesterday as going well is not felt mutally. So me being the person that I am I flat out asked so what's up what was your take on yesterday, and his response was yeah i liked meeting you. So im like okay cool so I respond with oh okay because I didnt get a real feel on how you felt, and I dont want to waste your time or mine. NO RESPONSE!!!! Hmmm so I know he's a busy person but NO RESPONSE?? So Tuesday comes around still no response, so once again I text him saying hey how are you we still on for Wed NO EFFIN RESPONSE. Is it me should I just cut my loses and keep it movin? Should I try one more time UGH...glub glub glub.

My last issue is a very dear friend of mine passed away last friday and her funeral is Thursday. I can't attend the funeral because I don't have the money to fly up there and I don't do funerals well. I've never handled death real well and I still believe I got some issues dealing with the death of my father that is making all this so much harder.

I need help...glub glub glub I said it I need help...I can no longer do this on my own I've tried and Im drowning, and the only way to avoid such a thing is seclusion and we dont want that. Well sleep is starting to come back over me...good nite blogspot. I do feel better a lil